Post by newwwwusername on Jul 29, 2023 5:59:38 GMT
Full title on AO3 : Feel Like I'm Falling Behind (Will It Happen Before I Die?)
Prompt : Character A has a cleft lip (can be repaired or unrepaired- up to the author) and hasn't kissed anyone because of it. Character B is the first person to kiss them.
Song lyrics from : Never Been Kissed by Tyler Hogan
Chronology : Pre-TPTGW
Headcanons : Dennis has a cleft lip, Nonbinary!Annie, Aroace!Dennis, Female!Chris
Author's note : I'm not British, so apologies if any of the school terms were incorrect. I did my best with like research and whatnot but there's always that chance I got something wrong
Dennis envied the other people in the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society- Not because they were necessarily more talented or better than him in any real sense, but because they'd all had their first kiss.
And he hadn't.
It hurt, hearing Robert and Max talk about their previous girlfriends and how much they missed the taste of their lips. Or Jonathan remarking on his awkward first kiss- Which was all the way back in primary school. Or Sandra talking about how all her exes were bad kissers. Or Annie saying they hadn't kissed anyone in a while. Or Trevor whining about how his first kiss was trash. Or Chris saying that she didn't remember her first kiss fully because it happened at a party in secondary school and everyone had been drunk.
Dennis always stayed out of these conversations, because he didn't have anything to add except that he hadn't had his first kiss, and he was an adult so that would've probably brought the mood down.
It wasn't that Dennis had never gotten the opportunity before.
Sure, he wasn't sure it would necessarily lead to a kiss, but a few people had admitted feelings towards him during primary and secondary school, he just never reciprocated. Even the one boyfriend he'd had briefly in secondary school never shared a kiss with him- Though that relationship didn't last very long anyways, as Dennis quickly realized he wasn't a romantic person.
He liked to tell himself that his aromanticism and asexuality were why he hadn't had his first kiss, because then it made it seem like a conscious choice.
It also helped him ignore the voice in his head that told him it was because no one would want to kiss his deformed upper lip.
He couldn't help but feel like he was somehow failing at life, or at the very least lagging behind in comparison to his friends.
Pretty much everyone else his age had their first kiss way back in secondary school, if not earlier. At this point, he wasn't sure if he'd ever get to have that experience, cause what adult wants to be someone's first kiss?
He tried to ignore it. He told himself it wasn't that important and that it was just an allo-centric societal expectation that didn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
It was, but that didn't make him feel any better. If anything, it just made him feel worse, because he didn't want to talk about this insecurity of his with anyone else for fear of perpetuating the idea.
So, he kept it to himself and told himself it wasn't a big deal, which it wasn't... It shouldn't have been.
He cried about it far more than he would ever admit.
When he couldn't blame society for the way he felt, the blame would fall back on him because surely it was his own fault he hadn't been kissed.
And, of course, that always led him back to his appearance.
Plenty of aromantic and/or asexual people still had their first kiss by the time they were adults. But most of them didn't have scarring and malformation on their upper lip. Most of them were just more kissable than he was.
And, of course, this train of thought would always lead back to the shame and guilt over feeling such a way.
He didn't think that lowly of other people with clefts, and he was sure most people didn't stress this much about something as simple as a kiss.
He was just being dumb.
Realistically, he knew there probably wasn't that deep of a reason for him not having his first kiss.
It likely had less to do with his appearance or his sexuality or any other superficial shit and more to do with him just... Never getting around to it.
It's not like he had ever initiated a kiss and got shut down by the other person. He just hadn't done it yet.
He'd vowed to kiss someone before he got out of secondary school, but that clearly hadn't worked out. But he was in college now. Surely he could get a kiss before he graduated college.
If he couldn't get his first kiss by the end of college, then maybe it really was just all his fault and he'd probably never have that experience that everyone else could share, for better or for worse.
We wished that, just once, he could participate in these circles of reminiscing that the other people in the Society would sometimes fall into.
He felt left out, each time it came up because he couldn't input anyway. He would just stand awkwardly to the side and listen to the others talk about the experience he'd not yet gotten to have.
Just once, he wanted to be able to tell his own first kiss story.
He almost felt infantilized- Not because anyone else was infantilizing him directly, but because not having a first kiss was such a juvenile concept for most people.
He wasn't a kid. He hadn't been a kid for a long time. He was an adult...
He was an adult who hadn't done the one thing most people do as teenagers.
A big part of it was this idea that a kiss was inherently romantic or even sexual, and he certainly didn't want to engage in either.
He still wanted to have the experience of a first kiss, but he wasn't sure if he even could in a way that both aligned with his own wants and was also socially acceptable.
In his head, he just wanted to have a first kiss with a friend... And, that's where Annie came along.
Annie, ever the attentive soul, noticed that Dennis never spoke about a first kiss, even when everyone else did. They didn't bring it up immediately upon realizing this, as the group was still chatting and they didn't want to potentially embarrass the guy in front of all his friends, but they kept the thought in mind.
Eventually, the conversation wrapped and everyone went their own separate ways, leaving Dennis and Annie alone in the dressing room.
"How come you never talk about your first kiss?" they asked. Dennis frowned and they worried for a moment that they potentially just brought attention to an unsavory memory, but his actual response was... Well, less concerning, but the way he said it was just as sad.
"I haven't had my first kiss" he told them, looking more depressed than anything. Annie mirrored the frown on his face.
"How come?"
"I don't know" Dennis shrugged. "I mean, it could be a number of things" he continued with a sigh. "I mean, I'm aroace and it's typically not considered a platonic gesture, although I would love to experience my first kiss just with a friend. Then there's my lip..."
"What if I was your first kiss right now?" Annie suggested and Dennis looked up at them in surprise. "I don't think it has to have any romantic or sexual implications, and I don't mind your cleft scars"
"Are you being serious?" he asked, a slightly hopeful smile tugging at his features. "You'd do that?"
"I'd love to" they said. "If you want to, of course"
"Well, yes, of course I want to, but I don't want you to think I'm like guilting you into-"
He was cut off by Annie's lips connecting with his own.
Prompt : Character A has a cleft lip (can be repaired or unrepaired- up to the author) and hasn't kissed anyone because of it. Character B is the first person to kiss them.
Song lyrics from : Never Been Kissed by Tyler Hogan
Chronology : Pre-TPTGW
Headcanons : Dennis has a cleft lip, Nonbinary!Annie, Aroace!Dennis, Female!Chris
Author's note : I'm not British, so apologies if any of the school terms were incorrect. I did my best with like research and whatnot but there's always that chance I got something wrong
Everyone talks about it. I haven't ever tried
And he hadn't.
It hurt, hearing Robert and Max talk about their previous girlfriends and how much they missed the taste of their lips. Or Jonathan remarking on his awkward first kiss- Which was all the way back in primary school. Or Sandra talking about how all her exes were bad kissers. Or Annie saying they hadn't kissed anyone in a while. Or Trevor whining about how his first kiss was trash. Or Chris saying that she didn't remember her first kiss fully because it happened at a party in secondary school and everyone had been drunk.
Dennis always stayed out of these conversations, because he didn't have anything to add except that he hadn't had his first kiss, and he was an adult so that would've probably brought the mood down.
I've had opportunities, but none of those people were people I liked
Sure, he wasn't sure it would necessarily lead to a kiss, but a few people had admitted feelings towards him during primary and secondary school, he just never reciprocated. Even the one boyfriend he'd had briefly in secondary school never shared a kiss with him- Though that relationship didn't last very long anyways, as Dennis quickly realized he wasn't a romantic person.
He liked to tell himself that his aromanticism and asexuality were why he hadn't had his first kiss, because then it made it seem like a conscious choice.
It also helped him ignore the voice in his head that told him it was because no one would want to kiss his deformed upper lip.
Feel like I'm falling behind. Will it happen before I die?
Pretty much everyone else his age had their first kiss way back in secondary school, if not earlier. At this point, he wasn't sure if he'd ever get to have that experience, cause what adult wants to be someone's first kiss?
Doesn't matter either way. I'm probably overthinking on it anyways
It was, but that didn't make him feel any better. If anything, it just made him feel worse, because he didn't want to talk about this insecurity of his with anyone else for fear of perpetuating the idea.
So, he kept it to himself and told himself it wasn't a big deal, which it wasn't... It shouldn't have been.
He cried about it far more than he would ever admit.
Maybe it's a problem of just me
And, of course, that always led him back to his appearance.
Plenty of aromantic and/or asexual people still had their first kiss by the time they were adults. But most of them didn't have scarring and malformation on their upper lip. Most of them were just more kissable than he was.
Maybe it's just dumb insecurity
He didn't think that lowly of other people with clefts, and he was sure most people didn't stress this much about something as simple as a kiss.
He was just being dumb.
Or maybe it's nothing at all
It likely had less to do with his appearance or his sexuality or any other superficial shit and more to do with him just... Never getting around to it.
It's not like he had ever initiated a kiss and got shut down by the other person. He just hadn't done it yet.
I'd like to try it at some point- At least before I graduate- Just to know it's not my fault
If he couldn't get his first kiss by the end of college, then maybe it really was just all his fault and he'd probably never have that experience that everyone else could share, for better or for worse.
I don't wanna be left out, as silly as that sounds
He felt left out, each time it came up because he couldn't input anyway. He would just stand awkwardly to the side and listen to the others talk about the experience he'd not yet gotten to have.
Just once, he wanted to be able to tell his own first kiss story.
Everyone but me has done it- I swear I'm not stunted, I just haven't got around!
He wasn't a kid. He hadn't been a kid for a long time. He was an adult...
He was an adult who hadn't done the one thing most people do as teenagers.
It's a question of 'Is it platonic?'
He still wanted to have the experience of a first kiss, but he wasn't sure if he even could in a way that both aligned with his own wants and was also socially acceptable.
If it isn't, then that's ironic. Cause I'd do it with a friend if they'd give me a chance
Annie, ever the attentive soul, noticed that Dennis never spoke about a first kiss, even when everyone else did. They didn't bring it up immediately upon realizing this, as the group was still chatting and they didn't want to potentially embarrass the guy in front of all his friends, but they kept the thought in mind.
Eventually, the conversation wrapped and everyone went their own separate ways, leaving Dennis and Annie alone in the dressing room.
"How come you never talk about your first kiss?" they asked. Dennis frowned and they worried for a moment that they potentially just brought attention to an unsavory memory, but his actual response was... Well, less concerning, but the way he said it was just as sad.
"I haven't had my first kiss" he told them, looking more depressed than anything. Annie mirrored the frown on his face.
"How come?"
"I don't know" Dennis shrugged. "I mean, it could be a number of things" he continued with a sigh. "I mean, I'm aroace and it's typically not considered a platonic gesture, although I would love to experience my first kiss just with a friend. Then there's my lip..."
"What if I was your first kiss right now?" Annie suggested and Dennis looked up at them in surprise. "I don't think it has to have any romantic or sexual implications, and I don't mind your cleft scars"
"Are you being serious?" he asked, a slightly hopeful smile tugging at his features. "You'd do that?"
"I'd love to" they said. "If you want to, of course"
"Well, yes, of course I want to, but I don't want you to think I'm like guilting you into-"
He was cut off by Annie's lips connecting with his own.
But, for now, I've never been kissed