Post by newwwwusername on Jan 14, 2023 4:27:15 GMT
Content warning : Shane Dawson is briefly mentioned
Chronology : Post-canon
Headcanon : Bipolar!Robert
Sometimes Robert would get really fucking wired (or "manic" as his therapist had put it), usually before or after a bout of depression, and eventually, Janet learned how to help him deal with it. Because he helped her deal with a lot of her own mental things as well, that's just how they were. Best friends, and a million times more competent than the other salon workers. Besides, it's not like Robert being manic was the end of the world, and it definitely beat being depressed. It just also meant that he needed some help to remain grounded.
"Janet, do you know the mattress store theory?" he asked her as they stayed late at the salon one night, still cleaning up old props from their disastrous play. Nikki, Patti, Terri, and Franci had all left a while ago, leaving the two nut cases (as Franci so affectionately called them) alone together. He was pacing, and Janet could tell that his mind was in a thousand places at once. It was almost frightening to see the usually laid-back guy so energetic, but she knew she wasn't in any danger or anything. Worst case scenario, he'd end up dropping a glass from how shaky his hands were.
"No, what's that?" she asked him with a slightly forced smile as he pulled out a red window marker and went over to the storefront, eyeballing it carefully. Janet knew she'd have to help him wash off the markings after whatever rant he went on, but she made no move to stop or redirect him. His talking could become somewhat incoherent whenever he got like this (just because of how fucking hyper he was), so she would likely end up needing his visuals if she wanted to understand what in the hell he was talking about.
"So I am not the first person to- That ginger pedophile guy did but he- Well he didn't come up with it but he popularized it. Do you know who I'm talking about?" he asked, turning to the pink-haired girl expectantly. She looked up thoughtfully for a moment, mumbling out a small "Uhhhh" before finally looking at him. "Shane Dawson, right?" she asked him, uncertainty clear in her voice. She didn't know what other "ginger pedophile" could fit the criteria for conspiracy theories of all things but she also couldn't be too sure. Robert tended to fall down weird, nonsensical rabbit holes online when he got manic, so he could've been talking about a fucking hitman for all she knew.
"Bingo" Robert responded, almost in a whisper, tapping his right temple with his index finger and then pointing at his friend with a nod. The look in his eyes was almost that of insanity, but the truth of it was that he was just in a really weird headspace. "Anyways, mattress store theory" he continued with a clap, writing the words "Mattress Firm - Money Laundering" up on the window so quickly that Janet was almost sure he'd gained super speed for a second. He capped the marker and then turned back to her, pacing back and forth in front of her as he began to ramble.
"Have you ever noticed how many goddamn Mattress Firms there are?" he asked, then added a quick "And mattress stores in general- But mainly Mattress Firms" before she could answer. She chuckled nervously at his expectant gaze. "Uh, no" she responded with a crooked smile (or at least he assumed that's what her expression was- She almost always wore a mask so he rarely saw her actual facial expressions). "I can't say that's something I've ever paid attention to"
"Right, cause why would you?" Robert replied rhetorically. "They're so unassuming- That's what makes it so fucking genius" he continued, tapping his temple again. "If you go around town, there are so many fucking Mattress Firms. Like an absolute truckload of them, it's honestly ridiculous" he explained. "In fact, there's more Mattress Firms in our block than there is grocery stores- Stores in general probably" A chuckle. "The point is, there's a shitload of fucking mattress stores, but no one's ever in them, and why would they be? People only need to buy a new mattress every five to ten years, so it's not like there's a huge demand for them or anything, right?" he asked before tapping the point he'd written on the board. "That's where the theory comes in"
"...Money laundering?" Janet asked after a moment, one eyebrow raised. "Yes, Janet" Robert replied with a grin. "I don't know if it's drugs or human trafficking or what, but it's a goddamn money laundering scheme" he told her point-blank as if this was a confirmed theory that had made the local news or something. It wasn't. Again, he was in a really weird headspace, and that much was painfully clear.
"And it's really smart of them too" he continued, pacing a bit before writing "expensive" on the window as a bullet point. "The term 'money laundering' came from laundromats, but the problem with that is that you can only make so much money off of a laundromat, meaning that you would need to file your drug money in way smaller- Like, astronomically small quantities, which could take a lot of time to get through- Especially if you're successful in your criminal business" he explained, unintentionally answering a few questions that Janet was too afraid to ask for fear of sounding like a moron.
"But, mattresses cost a lot" he continued. "Like the cheaper end of them is still several hundreds of dollars, which adds up a lot quicker than other businesses. So, instead of saying you made 10k off of fuckin heroin or some shit- Which would obviously put you in jail- You can just say you sold 12 mattresses that month" he explained. "It's believable, it's efficient, and it's a damn good side hustle when somebody actually does come in and buys a mattress"
"Okay, yeah that... Logically makes sense" Janet admitted, because she couldn't really find an actual hole in the theory. Robert tapped his temple at that and then pointed at her again. She had to stifle a laugh at that. He was being really fucking weird, and it was almost entertaining to see. "But" she continued, standing up and placing a hand on his shoulder. "What's the one literary thing? Where the most obvious answer is the right one?" she asked him, and his eyes lit up a bit more at that. Not because he liked where her point was headed, but because he liked literary principles. "Occam's razor" he told her. "'The simplest answer is usually correct', but the keyword there is usually"
"Robert, it's just a mattress store"
...
"And they hide their drug money in the display mattresses"
"Oh, mother of Mia..."
"Listen" Robert told her, turning back to the window and drawing a one-dollar bill. "The number one place people hide drug money is in their mattress, right?" he asked rhetorically. A small nod and he continued. "Right, well that's not entirely foolproof" he continued as she sighed and sat back down. "Sure, if the police just come through for a small look around, they aren't gonna find shit, but what happens if you get raided? You're fucked at that point, even if you hid it under your mattress. They'll fuckin' find that shit" he ranted, pacing around in front of the window like he was solving all of the big questions of the world and not theorizing about a mattress store.
"But, that's your house that they're raiding. Not your store" he told her, walking over and leaning over to match her level. He had a crazy look in his eyes, and Janet was beginning to wonder if he was gonna be okay. "That's why you hide it in the store, under the display mattresses" he told her, nearly whispering at this point, as though afraid someone would hear. "You buy a mattress from Mattress Firm, and they'll either give you one from the back or they'll deliver it to your house. They don't sell the display mattresses" he continued. "So they hide the money under those"
"Robert" Janet told him with a concerned expression, reaching up and moving a loose hair back behind his ear. "I love you, you know that" she told him, and it was true. He was her best friend. She loved him more than anyone else. "I love you too" Robert replied with a small smile, but that look in his eyes was still there. "I'm worried about you, man" the pink-haired girl told him quietly after a moment. Robert sighed. "I understand that you're having one of your episodes, and I'm not trying to make you feel like shit over that" she continued reassuringly. "I just... How much sleep did you get last night?"
"Like... 30 minutes" Robert admitted honestly. Janet sighed. "I'm just not tired"
"Yeah, I know" she responded with a sad smile. "But you need rest, and if you go into a depressive episode after this, which you very well could, it might be worse if you're already sleep-deprived" she told him. He nodded in agreement. As scatterbrained as he was at that moment, he was still perfectly lucid. He knew that what was going on with him wasn't normal. He knew a lot of what he was saying was probably irrational. He also knew that Janet had a very valid point. "Just let me come home with you to make sure you get some rest, okay?" she asked him. He nodded.
"Yeah, okay... Thanks, Janet"
"No problem, porch"
"Fuck off"
Chronology : Post-canon
Headcanon : Bipolar!Robert
Sometimes Robert would get really fucking wired (or "manic" as his therapist had put it), usually before or after a bout of depression, and eventually, Janet learned how to help him deal with it. Because he helped her deal with a lot of her own mental things as well, that's just how they were. Best friends, and a million times more competent than the other salon workers. Besides, it's not like Robert being manic was the end of the world, and it definitely beat being depressed. It just also meant that he needed some help to remain grounded.
"Janet, do you know the mattress store theory?" he asked her as they stayed late at the salon one night, still cleaning up old props from their disastrous play. Nikki, Patti, Terri, and Franci had all left a while ago, leaving the two nut cases (as Franci so affectionately called them) alone together. He was pacing, and Janet could tell that his mind was in a thousand places at once. It was almost frightening to see the usually laid-back guy so energetic, but she knew she wasn't in any danger or anything. Worst case scenario, he'd end up dropping a glass from how shaky his hands were.
"No, what's that?" she asked him with a slightly forced smile as he pulled out a red window marker and went over to the storefront, eyeballing it carefully. Janet knew she'd have to help him wash off the markings after whatever rant he went on, but she made no move to stop or redirect him. His talking could become somewhat incoherent whenever he got like this (just because of how fucking hyper he was), so she would likely end up needing his visuals if she wanted to understand what in the hell he was talking about.
"So I am not the first person to- That ginger pedophile guy did but he- Well he didn't come up with it but he popularized it. Do you know who I'm talking about?" he asked, turning to the pink-haired girl expectantly. She looked up thoughtfully for a moment, mumbling out a small "Uhhhh" before finally looking at him. "Shane Dawson, right?" she asked him, uncertainty clear in her voice. She didn't know what other "ginger pedophile" could fit the criteria for conspiracy theories of all things but she also couldn't be too sure. Robert tended to fall down weird, nonsensical rabbit holes online when he got manic, so he could've been talking about a fucking hitman for all she knew.
"Bingo" Robert responded, almost in a whisper, tapping his right temple with his index finger and then pointing at his friend with a nod. The look in his eyes was almost that of insanity, but the truth of it was that he was just in a really weird headspace. "Anyways, mattress store theory" he continued with a clap, writing the words "Mattress Firm - Money Laundering" up on the window so quickly that Janet was almost sure he'd gained super speed for a second. He capped the marker and then turned back to her, pacing back and forth in front of her as he began to ramble.
"Have you ever noticed how many goddamn Mattress Firms there are?" he asked, then added a quick "And mattress stores in general- But mainly Mattress Firms" before she could answer. She chuckled nervously at his expectant gaze. "Uh, no" she responded with a crooked smile (or at least he assumed that's what her expression was- She almost always wore a mask so he rarely saw her actual facial expressions). "I can't say that's something I've ever paid attention to"
"Right, cause why would you?" Robert replied rhetorically. "They're so unassuming- That's what makes it so fucking genius" he continued, tapping his temple again. "If you go around town, there are so many fucking Mattress Firms. Like an absolute truckload of them, it's honestly ridiculous" he explained. "In fact, there's more Mattress Firms in our block than there is grocery stores- Stores in general probably" A chuckle. "The point is, there's a shitload of fucking mattress stores, but no one's ever in them, and why would they be? People only need to buy a new mattress every five to ten years, so it's not like there's a huge demand for them or anything, right?" he asked before tapping the point he'd written on the board. "That's where the theory comes in"
"...Money laundering?" Janet asked after a moment, one eyebrow raised. "Yes, Janet" Robert replied with a grin. "I don't know if it's drugs or human trafficking or what, but it's a goddamn money laundering scheme" he told her point-blank as if this was a confirmed theory that had made the local news or something. It wasn't. Again, he was in a really weird headspace, and that much was painfully clear.
"And it's really smart of them too" he continued, pacing a bit before writing "expensive" on the window as a bullet point. "The term 'money laundering' came from laundromats, but the problem with that is that you can only make so much money off of a laundromat, meaning that you would need to file your drug money in way smaller- Like, astronomically small quantities, which could take a lot of time to get through- Especially if you're successful in your criminal business" he explained, unintentionally answering a few questions that Janet was too afraid to ask for fear of sounding like a moron.
"But, mattresses cost a lot" he continued. "Like the cheaper end of them is still several hundreds of dollars, which adds up a lot quicker than other businesses. So, instead of saying you made 10k off of fuckin heroin or some shit- Which would obviously put you in jail- You can just say you sold 12 mattresses that month" he explained. "It's believable, it's efficient, and it's a damn good side hustle when somebody actually does come in and buys a mattress"
"Okay, yeah that... Logically makes sense" Janet admitted, because she couldn't really find an actual hole in the theory. Robert tapped his temple at that and then pointed at her again. She had to stifle a laugh at that. He was being really fucking weird, and it was almost entertaining to see. "But" she continued, standing up and placing a hand on his shoulder. "What's the one literary thing? Where the most obvious answer is the right one?" she asked him, and his eyes lit up a bit more at that. Not because he liked where her point was headed, but because he liked literary principles. "Occam's razor" he told her. "'The simplest answer is usually correct', but the keyword there is usually"
"Robert, it's just a mattress store"
...
"And they hide their drug money in the display mattresses"
"Oh, mother of Mia..."
"Listen" Robert told her, turning back to the window and drawing a one-dollar bill. "The number one place people hide drug money is in their mattress, right?" he asked rhetorically. A small nod and he continued. "Right, well that's not entirely foolproof" he continued as she sighed and sat back down. "Sure, if the police just come through for a small look around, they aren't gonna find shit, but what happens if you get raided? You're fucked at that point, even if you hid it under your mattress. They'll fuckin' find that shit" he ranted, pacing around in front of the window like he was solving all of the big questions of the world and not theorizing about a mattress store.
"But, that's your house that they're raiding. Not your store" he told her, walking over and leaning over to match her level. He had a crazy look in his eyes, and Janet was beginning to wonder if he was gonna be okay. "That's why you hide it in the store, under the display mattresses" he told her, nearly whispering at this point, as though afraid someone would hear. "You buy a mattress from Mattress Firm, and they'll either give you one from the back or they'll deliver it to your house. They don't sell the display mattresses" he continued. "So they hide the money under those"
"Robert" Janet told him with a concerned expression, reaching up and moving a loose hair back behind his ear. "I love you, you know that" she told him, and it was true. He was her best friend. She loved him more than anyone else. "I love you too" Robert replied with a small smile, but that look in his eyes was still there. "I'm worried about you, man" the pink-haired girl told him quietly after a moment. Robert sighed. "I understand that you're having one of your episodes, and I'm not trying to make you feel like shit over that" she continued reassuringly. "I just... How much sleep did you get last night?"
"Like... 30 minutes" Robert admitted honestly. Janet sighed. "I'm just not tired"
"Yeah, I know" she responded with a sad smile. "But you need rest, and if you go into a depressive episode after this, which you very well could, it might be worse if you're already sleep-deprived" she told him. He nodded in agreement. As scatterbrained as he was at that moment, he was still perfectly lucid. He knew that what was going on with him wasn't normal. He knew a lot of what he was saying was probably irrational. He also knew that Janet had a very valid point. "Just let me come home with you to make sure you get some rest, okay?" she asked him. He nodded.
"Yeah, okay... Thanks, Janet"
"No problem, porch"
"Fuck off"